


The Joy of Losing by UseTheForceEm

by GO_Library_archivist



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-30
Updated: 2006-07-30
Packaged: 2017-12-28 02:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GO_Library_archivist/pseuds/GO_Library_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>God and Lucifer play a little game. Ever wonder what they?d talk about over drinks and a board of black and white squares?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Joy of Losing by UseTheForceEm

**Author's Note:**

> Note from [Quantum_Witch](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Quantum_Witch/profile): this story was originally archived at [The Good Omens Library](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Good_Omens_Library), which I maintained for eight years until I closed it due to lack of funds and decreased usership. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing the GOL's stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in July 2013. I e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Good Omens Library collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/TheGoodOmensLibrary/profile), or through the [GO_Library_archivist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/GO_Library_archivist/profile) account.  
> *  
>  **This story contains punctuation errors caused by faulty software on the original site, to be edited later.**

[The Joy of Losing](viewstory.php?sid=263) by [UseTheForceEm](viewuser.php?uid=59)  


  
Summary: God and Lucifer play a little game. Ever wonder what they?d talk about over drinks and a board of black and white squares?  
Categories: [General Fanfic](browse.php?type=categories&catid=1) Characters:  Adam  
Genres:  General  
Warnings:  None  
Challenges:  
Series: None  
Chapters:  1 Completed: Yes  
Word count: 2820 Read: 272  
Published: 30 Jul 2006 Updated: 30 Jul 2006 

The Joy of Losing by UseTheForceEm

The idea that God sits up there and watches every move of mankind is actually quite ludicrous.

He needs time to himself, just like anyone else, of course. He has hobbies. He has a collection of marbles that he is rather fond of. He fancies a good espresso every once in a while. Takes one look at that global warming business and heads off to Alpha Centauri for a spell, where the weather is much too cold to think about a greenhouse of any sort.

Today he is playing chess.

Not by himself either. He finds it amusing that people often assume that he plays by himself. Morbid thing to think, he feels. No, he likes to have someone on the other side of the board, even just to chat with if the game isn?t invigorating enough.

He thinks that he made the angels too well sometimes. He can?t call one of them in for a game because they get so flustered and panicked, like he?s testing them. Honestly, why can?t one just have a good match now and then?

So now he plays chess, and the person sitting across the board from him is one that he hasn?t seen in a good decade probably. Doesn?t feel like long in the scheme of things when one?s perception of time spans eternity, but it?s still a while. The figure looks younger than he, with black-black hair and eyes the color of the sky on the first day of Creation. He is staring at the board with a lazy contempt that would have hurt the Almighty had he not known that the other didn?t mean it.

?We?ve been sitting here for an hour, please make a move.?

?In a hurry? Have a pressing appointment??

?I always have pressing appointments. I?m in high demand, you know.?

?Yes, you tell me so every time you come to visit.?

There is a pause from the other side of the table. The younger-looking man-shaped being sprawls thoughtfully in his seat, as though he has to be in the proper position to say what comes next. ?Why do we always play up here? You never come down to play. If I thought about it long enough, I might be insulted.?

He _is_ insulted, but God doesn?t say so, instead moving his fair bishop diagonally across three squares. A reckless move, to be sure, but it?s not like they are playing a high stakes game: they?d had enough of those. ?You?ve never asked me down. I would like to come, I hear you?ve done very interesting things with the place recently.?

?Added whirlpool Jacuzzis.?

?That sounds delightful.?

?Would be better if the water wasn?t always scalding.?

?Well, there?s not much I can do about that, you know.? He watches the younger stare at the pieces with his graceful brow furrowed. ?Now really, if you?re going to complain about how long I take to move, you should at least make an effort to move a little faster yourself.?

The black-haired one sneers. His wings are the white of virgin snow and they stretch when he shifts again in his chair. ?I feel like I?m being led into a trap.?

?You always feel that way when I?m around.?

?Hm, I wonder why??

?No need to get defensive, dear.?

?Oh, do stop calling me ?dear?. I?ve told you for the past five millennia, you know.?

?Terribly sorry.?

Knight takes bishop.

?There you go. Your move.?

?Yes?. We should talk, you know.?

?Oh, bloody? about what now??

?About those two. Yours and mine. Some of the angels are starting to ask questions.?

?Some of the demons too.? The younger one sips at his pi?a colada, then gnaws on the pineapple slice that sits on the edge of the glass, run through rather violently by a little magenta paper umbrella.

?What do you think of the whole affair?? the Almighty asks anxiously.

?Me? I thought it was hilarious. Normally I wouldn?t care about who?s shagging who, but when I heard that I near fell off my flaming throne.?

The old man looks rather relieved. ?Oh good. I thought it was amusing myself. But everyone keeps telling me that something needs to be done about it.?

?That?s just because it blurs the lines for them too much. They?ll get over it.?

God stares at the board to keep from narrowing his eyes on his companion. ?Not surprising that they worry about blurred lines. The lines were pretty well drawn last time you decided to fight?.?

?Are we still on about that? It?s been, what, twenty years? I told you ? I tried to start it up again because I was pissed. I never win. You?ve never let me win, I wanted my chance.?

?You could have killed everyone in the process.?

?I?m not the one who made the rules. Heck, I?m not even sure I know the rules anymore. Maybe that?s why I never win.?

King-Side Castle.

?Good move on your part, there.?

?Thank you?. You know, one might say that you have won before. Apple and all that.?

A straight, strong nose snorts. ?I?m not really sure it was that. Winning. I think you set me up. Set him up. Funny that he should be the one?.?

God thinks back to that one?s form then. He had always liked serpents. They made delightful sounds and they moved in ways that others of his creatures could not. ?You did a very good job with him,? he said absently.

?He did a very good job with himself ? I?m not like you, I don?t go designing them, I just let them become as they will.?

?So you don?t think your influence has much of an effect??

Slender shoulders shrug. ?Just gives them someone to obey. The environment affects them more than anything, really. Which is probably why he chose??

?Something Earth-bound??

?If that?s what you?d like to call it. If you?d really call one of yours ?Earth-bound?.?

God exhales (a rather strange thing for him to do, but he?s grown to like it) and ponders for a moment. ?That one is. I have no intention of bringing him back up as long as the Earth is in rotation. He seems to belong there now. Belongs to them.?

?Not to you?? the dark-haired one asks curiously.

?Oh, what?s all this rubbish about everything belonging to me? It doesn?t belong to me. Just because you create something doesn?t mean you own it.?

?Huh?. Funny thing to hear you say.?

?No it isn?t. Everyone just assumes that I claim ownership. I never said I did.?

The black queen takes the white knight, and the blue-eyed youth smirks. ?So that?s how you justify free will, then, is it? You don?t own, they have the responsibility because they belong to themselves??

The Almighty frowns at the board. The game is not going well. ?Yes, as a matter of fact.?

?That?s? not how I would have done it.?

?Well, of course you wouldn?t have.?

?So then, you?re not bothered by an angel involved in carnal activities with one of mine??

The old man drums his fingers on the board and puts his queen on the defensive in hopes of drawing out some of his opponent?s more prominent figures. ?No, not really. They are terribly fond of each other, have been for centuries, and if they?ve just managed to figure it out, who am I to turn down my nose at it??

The other clears his throat pointedly at that comment and shoots him a you-know-bloody-well-who-you-are-to-turn-down-your-nose-at-it glance. ?Admit it. You just like that angel. He lost that sword and you thought it was hilarious, and you?ve liked him ever since.?

Old wizened eyes stay fixed on the board. ??.Don?t tell any of the Archangels that or I?ll never hear the end of it.?

?Knew it.?

?Not a word.?

?Oh, fine. I won?t tell a soul in Heaven or Hell.?

A pause.

?I don?t believe you.?

Black rook takes white queen.

?I?d be worried if you did.?

He really had to distract him now if he wanted any hope of winning this baby. ?Well, you seem to be fine with the two of them. It probably just amazes you: they?re so passionate with each other, you probably can?t comprehend the looks on their faces when they ? ?

?Can we please not go into those details? I mean, I looked in on them once or twice because I should, being who I am, but it?s not something I enjoy.?

The Almighty?s head tilted much like a curious child. ?Why does it bother you??

?Because? it?s like walking in on your kids having sex.?

A rumbling, Earth-tilting laugh.

?You?ve walked in on Adam, then??

The younger flinches in the wake of unbidden Mental Images. ?Let?s not discuss that?. I mean, what about you??

?I hope you?re not implying ? ?

?Oh please, there?s no way that boy died a virgin. He was smiling far too much when they strung him up for that to be the case. Reminded me a bit of you, in truth? immaculate conception my arse.?

God clears his throat in a way that would sound uncomfortable had it come from anyone else. ?Well, they love taking symbols one step further. There?s nothing I can do about that. Pure always seems to translate to virgin. I really don?t know where it came from.?

?Came from all those bloody misogynists your son trained.?

The greyed man blinks his brown eyes innocently. ?They interpreted his teachings the way they wanted to. Nothing he could do about that. He was too busy dying to erase the damage that your Serpent did.?

?I think I?ll always have a soft spot for that snake because of that. He made my job so much easier with that apple business.?

?Ah, so _that?s_ why you?ve left him alone.?

White pawn moves to protect his king.

The other glares at the board as though it is hiding something from him. Some invisible piece, some missing row of black-white squares. The game is going too well. ?He belongs on Earth as much as the other. I really sort of feel like he?s been retired there all this time. He does a good job working, but creating original sin exempts him from a lot. Besides, he?s too creative to be Down at home. It would be a waste to stick him in the Malebolge and assign him whipping duty. I think he?d resent it.?

Black queen takes white pawn.

?Check.?

God sips his mint julep judiciously. ?So why give him your son if he?s retired? You handed the boy over to him after he was born, as I understand it.?

The other fidgets with the lapels of his fine suit and God can?t help thinking _crimson is a bad color for him_ as he does so. ?Couldn?t have entrusted the boy to just anyone. Most of them probably would have dropped the basket in the first minute and killed him before he got anywhere.? He laughs at this as though he?s told a great joke, one with knocking and bananas, while his companion eyes him quite seriously. He clears his throat surreptitiously. ?No, I had to pick someone with??

?Heart.?

The Adversary glowers.

God glances to what would have been the ceiling, if that sort of thing had existed where they were. ?Begging your pardon, I didn?t mean to intimate ? ?

??Didn?t mean? nothing: It doesn?t become a deity of any sort to _lie_.?

?Oh, but it does. You?d be surprised just how much.?

The white king hides behind his final bishop.

The young one?s fury burns out quickly, as it always has, and he plucks the magenta paper umbrella from his now-empty glass, twirling it between thumb and forefinger. ?So where?s your boy these days??

The other man strokes his short beard thoughtfully, wondering why his opponent seems to be putting off the inevitable. ?All around. Lobbying for the rights of lower-ranking angels at the moment, I think.?

?Got to love the way they thank you, don?t you? How they repay your faith in them??

?Oh, they?re just doing what they think is right. The both of them. And they?re good boys, really? probably better than the both of us when you get right down to it. Though it?s a good thing I don?t want to Fell my little bookseller ? I don?t think he?d allow it. Get a petition signed, get himself crucified all over again for it, this time to erase the sins of angels.?

Another well-placed snort. ?Could he actually do that??

?No.?

Black knight takes white bishop.

?Check mate.?

God sighs. It is a light thing, nothing particularly divine about it.

?Well. There we are. Good match.?

Blue eyes glimmer with just the tiniest hint of Light. ?That?s it? No army jumping out of the woodwork to force me back from whence I came? No smiting the marble pieces from On High??

?Really now. It?s only a game.?

They stare at the board for a Long Time.

The younger moves first, as youth is wont to do. ?I suppose I should be getting back, then.?

The older man joins him in standing, straightening his tie pin as he moves unhurriedly, as age is wont to do. ?I suppose you should. I hope you enjoyed yourself.?

?The drinks were better this time.?

?I have my own personal bartender now. In his life he mixed drinks at a resort in Hawaii.?

Sleeker, better-kept wings ruffle out and spread wide. ?Should have known you?d keep the best for yourself.?

?Being All Powerful has to have some perks, doesn?t it??

He watches the raven-tinted hair toss as the younger shakes his head at him reprovingly, turning to go.

?Lucifer??

That creates a great pause. He has not called him by his name in time too long for counting. The oddly peaceful _too bright_ eyes glance back at the bearded man.

God can?t help it. He _misses_ the bastard.

??We should do this again soon. Sooner than usual, I mean.?

A smirk. No? a Smirk.

?Just let me know when you want to come Down. I?ll be ready for you, Old Man.?

He looks like he is about to leave again when he turns back, chic eyebrow arched in a particular brand of curiosity that only he was ever able to possess. ?Can I ask you a question??

The Almighty smiles.

The Adversary knows the other?s cues well enough by now. ?You had to have known that you were going to lose today. You?re you, after all. So why bother playing at all??

He was expecting silence for an answer. He is shocked when the old man opens his mouth.

?Now that question, I will answer,? he says with the theatricality of someone who knows that his every word is hung on. Lucifer rolls his eyes in the hope that he will get on with it. ?It is hard to know anything for certain, to start with. And then??

Oh, but he does know how to hold his audience?s attention. It irks the younger ? he himself can entrance the mob for all eternity, but never an _audience_.

?? and then? some days you just have that voracious need _to lose_. Right??

The Adversary sees images of memory, of flaming swords and the thrill of change, of that dipping feeling in his stomach that could never be duplicated, not even by the most vertical drop from the tallest roller coaster on that miserable, beautiful little planet they both paid far too much attention to.

The need to lose. He knows it quite well.

He doesn?t say so, however, merely smiles back and snaps his fingers, and in a flash of indigo flame he?s gone, back down to his domain, back where he is comfortable and in control.

God looks around at the empty place, taking stock of all he has and all he has yet to gain. He takes that little magenta paper umbrella left on the table, and sticks it in his breast pocket, laughing at how it clashes with everything.

END

  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://library.good-omens.net/viewstory.php?sid=263>  



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